I don’t want to talk about it because it’s in the past

Photo by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash

Whenever I’ve heard someone say this phrase — There’s no point to rehashing the past because it already happened and I can’t change it. Or even, it is what it is.

I immediately wonder why some people think this way. My thought process is completely opposite, so I’m usually pondering a variety of reasons for the next day or so.

You’ve probably heard the following quotes once or twice in your life:

• Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it
• Study the past if you would define the future

With that in mind, you might be able to understand my struggle with understanding why people don’t want to talk about things that happened to them and are still impacting them today. After all, shouldn’t we look at things that have happened to us so we can benefit from the lessons they might have to teach?

• We can learn how they impacted us for good or bad
• We can grow from the experience into a stronger and wiser person
• We can learn types of people and situations to avoid
• We can help others in similar situations

When I think about all the good that can come from talking about things from our personal pasts, the harder it is for me to understand why many people feel strongly about not even cracking that door.

Sometimes, opening that door to our personal history is painful, and as humans, we will do anything to avoid pain.

Here’s the really tricky point that is so easy to miss — when we choose to examine what caused us pain, we can begin to start the healing process and become a stronger person. Let me share a simple example.

Photo by Roberto Lopez on Unsplash

I grew up in south Florida. My mom was always telling my siblings and me various things like, don’t drink from the hose, don’t walk outside barefoot, don’t ride your bike past the stop sign.

1. She told us not to ride our bikes past the stop sign because she couldn’t see us once we went around the corner, and if we got hurt or were being threatened by a stray dog, she wouldn’t know we needed help.
2. She told us not to drink from the hose because of all the bugs and dirt that could and did collect in there.
3. She told us to put on our flip flops when we went outside because she knew there were all kinds of things on the driveway, the sidewalk, and in the grass that could hurt our feet.

One day, my little brother went running outside to find her without putting on flip flops. Unfortunately there was a bee on the back patio, which he stepped on, causing the stinger to embed itself in his foot. Instantly, he was crying so loudly that I heard him from inside the house and went running outside to see what was wrong.

Our mom was already holding him and looking at his foot to see what needed to be done. Suffice to say, my brother never went running out the door again without first putting on flip flops or sneakers!

While that is a simplistic story of dealing with pain, it still illustrates how we can grow from pain when we deal with it rather than ignore it and shove it deep inside of us. My brother certainly learned the importance of wearing shoes, as well as listening to what his mom told him to do.

Think about how differently things could have gone if he had told our mom that his foot hurt but he didn’t want her to do anything about it. Instead, he wanted to ignore the pain and act as though nothing had happened because it was in the past. We can see how silly that would have been because we all know that until the stinger was removed, the poison would have continued to enter his system, causing swelling, pain, and other health issues.

When it comes to emotional pain, how many of us apply this obviously “silly” approach? I would suggest that many of us do this without stopping to even think about it. Don’t get me wrong, avoiding emotional pain isn’t silly, and certainly hurts more than a bee sting. At the same time, the root lesson is the same — when we look at what caused us pain, and figure out what lesson it might be able to teach us, we begin to grow into a stronger and wiser version of ourselves.

So how do we do this? Maybe we start by talking with a trusted friend. Maybe we make an appointment with a therapist. Maybe we start by talking to ourselves about the importance of facing some things we’re a little scared to face. No matter what you decide to do, remind yourself that you’re doing it for yourself so that you can grow into a healthier and stronger human being, and most importantly, give yourself grace and time as you walk this hard road.